law & humor
Aug 05, 2020.
excerpts from the diary of a potterhead law firm associate
2:00 AM : Copious amounts of caffeine in my bloodstream is not helping anymore. If only unicorn blood were available phew ! Why do I get such thoughts and jotting them down while I could be working instead ?
2:30 AM : Well, I am not afraid of demenators anymore. They feed on happy feelings right ? Well, guess who is going to die of starvation if they get locked down inside this office ! And the partner who must not be named , can perhaps suck out the feelings from a demenator as well. That cold absence of feeling—that really hollowed out feeling is my perpetual status quo bitches !
2:40 AM : Its been five minutes and I am still staring at my coffee mug ! Somone please get me a bottle of Felix Felicis.
3:00 AM : I can empathise with why Kreacher was always grumpy. I can like totally replicate his therapy notes without even looking through it once. That reminds me about the Snr Counsel I hate but have to brief tomorrow. Ok back to work now !
4:00 AM : Third mug of my coffee in last 60 mins . Gosh ! I bet Bartemius Crouch Junior consumed lesser amounts of poly-juice potion to keep his mad eye moody apperance when compared to my caffeine intake.
4:30 AM : An e-mail from Managing Partner already on the edits ! FML ! I would rather have a dark mark on my hand . These "urgent & imminent " emails are like "morsmodre " spells.
Random Hour : If only I knew how to make horcruxes ! My soul has been split many times with condescending hostile feedbacks over my work that Voldemort would appear like a "noob".
I am so used to subconsciously slip legal jargons into normal conversation that I think my patronus would perhaps be a grumpy jurist wearing a wig and a gown swinging his gavel at the dementors. Not to mention , I might have to argue with him first to satisfy his lordship over the urgency grounds to have summoned him :/
5:30am: checking my mailbox after almost 48 hours feels like going back to the Dursleys at the end of each term. Oh, the dread! I have to finish writing and editing worth about 3-4 rolls of parchment (probably more) for multiple documents and caffeine will have to do for now.
23:04 : You know what's worse than puking out slugs like Ron ? Proof-reading a draft to find grammatical errors to an extent that reading it shall induce pain in you akin to the effect of "sectumsempra".
00:53 : Still editing the aforementioned draft. Remember the "Black Quill " which Doleres Umbridge used to torture Harry ? I so want to make the author of this draft use that Quill to re-write the entire thing.
02:51 : There are times when you have to respond to someone over their draft and the Gsuite server of the law firm doesn't suffice. Where's the provision to send Errol with a howler ?